I have just realized that I have not been suicidal since I´ve graduated highschool...this is literally the proof that school makes you depressed in so many ways and on so many levels.
Now..very important. Don´t get me wrong...I never tried to kill myself. But I have heard and read that when you think about it alot and think about your death and how others would react to it, that you basically are just as suicidal as if you would actually try to kill yourself. So I guess officially speaking, yes, I was suicidal.
But I don´t like to use that term..it´s such an ugly and strong word. At some point I thought that thinking about death is something normal, why wouldn´t you think about it every time you are sad, feeling that you are worth less than others, not as smart as others, can´t reach the goal you´ve set yourself, and the list goes on. The thing is, it is apparently not normal. Normally, that is at least what the world tells you, you get over those "small problems" in a few days or weeks and then everything goes on the way it was before. You don´t think about death. At least not when you are normal. I hate the term normal. What does that even mean, to be normal? Everybody is different in some way than the others, which basically would mean that nobody is normal. So speaking from a perspetive from the society we live in, I am not normal - for thinking about how I would or could die in certain situations. At some point I thought about it on a daily basis, i thought about it many time a day. And yes, it was mostly in school, or when I had to do something
for school.
School is a place where the students are suppost to feel save, and get an education, which will help them become the person they want to be someday, to achive their dreams. But school is not like that anymore. Kids all over the world get scared only of the thought of school. Why is that? It is not suppost to be like that!
I realized only before starting writing this blog that I haven´t had suicidal thoughts since the moment I graduated highschool. This is good and bad at the same time. Good for my personal and individual life. Because I feel ok now. But it would be selfish to say that only because I am fine, that everything and everyone else is also fine. It makes me scared to think about all the kids who are also living with those thoughts, while going to school everyday.
The thought of many kids feeling the way I felt for the last two years, makes me sick and feel so sorry for them. Nobody deserves to feel that way. School needs to change. It should not be an environment where youngsters develope such kind of stress and depression that leads to the point of thinking about ending their own lives.
Being the daughter of two teachers, I see that it is also hard for them. Many teachers really try their best for their students and want to make the best out of their classes, and make the kids feel like their are in a safe place, where they can speak about their thoughts and feelings with freedom and without fear. But their are also always those teachers that truly bring the students down. They really want them to fail, for whatever crazy reason. And sometimes it is hard to differeniate the "good" from the "bad" teachers.
School is a hard part of young peoples´ lives, which is already difficult enough, it at least should be, speficially mentally, a save and healthy place for them. We all know it, this blog could go on forever about this topic. There is never going to be said enough about the safety of children outside their homes, specially school. But let´s end it where it started, shall we?
Now...don´t worry about me. I didn´t mean to scare you, whoever is reading this. I really am ok. I honestly haven´t have those thoughts since graduation. - That is actually not even that long ago, only a month and a half back, but I think they also won´t come back anymore ;)
Kisses to you and stay always save,
Lena ♥♥
