Hi there!

I actually just remembered I had this blog!
It used to be the place to come to while I had nobody to talk about stuff that was going on...
It is crazy that I actually kind of forgot about it, but today I feel like writing down what has been going through my mind...maybe it will also help get it off my mind.

So basically:

I have been in a weird state of mind for the last couple of weeks. I have nothing to be sad about, yet I can't help not being really happy. I have a roof over my head, I come into a warm home when it's freezing winter outside. I have a good, stable job - which is awesome and I so grateful for!! I have a great boyfriend and a family that loves me and can talk to anytime I want.

But something...I can´t even put my finger on what it is, puts me down every once in a while. Maybe its the fact that my family isn't nearby, but hundreds of miles away from me. I just haven't the opportunity to go visit them whenever I want. Maybe it's the fact that I never got full closure on some stuff in the past that just pops into my mind at some random times. Maybe it´s the fact that I live at somewhat small city, and since I always was used to living in big cities, I just get frustrated here. Or maybe it´s the fact that a long committed relationship is way harder that everything I have ever imaged. I know you hear that everywhere, but it really isn't anything like the movies. ...Let's just leave it at that.

I also start going to the gym every once in a while, with a really committed attitude, and after a couple of time the motivation fades again. And after a few weeks the same thing starts over again.

I try to really not show all of that, and if I may say so myself, I think I am doing pretty good job at it. I always say everything is good, when people ask me how I'm doing. At times I can even convince myself that all is good and perfect the way it is. I guess it is also easier like this. Having to explain something like this to someone, when not even I know exactly what's going on, seems very exhausting to me.

Anyway, let me not bore you any longer!


Kisses,
Lena

The mathematical formula of love

I just watched a beautiful movie. It is about a boy with autism and through the story we get to see how this boy sees the world and how he lives in it. He shows signs of autism that might be "standard" for a third party, such as not liking to be touched; despite having a lot going on in mind, not liking to talk much; not being very comfortable around strangers; always wanting to have everything in a particular order; and so on.
This boy, Nathan, is really good at maths. And without going too much into the details of the story, we can say that maths and mathematical competitions do play a big part of the movie. Through this "journey" Nathan gets to meet a girl. They spend a lot of time together and at one point he feels comfortable enough to open up to her more than he ever did to his own mother.
One part of the movie that really touched me, was when he searched online if there was something like a mathematical formula for love and if somebody might have solved it. For your interest, yes, there actually is a formula, but no, no one has ever solved it.
What I liked so much about it was that a kid that pretty much only understood maths gets to the point of experiencing something like feelings and can't wrap his head around it, so through doing what he knows best, he is willing to step out of his comfort zone.

So that you don't wonder what happens with his search for the mathematical explanation for love, he doesn't find it, but he does step out of his shell to experience it and going after it.
By the way, all of what I talked about, the movie doesn't show it that detailed and focused on love. It is actually really just about math.
But this is the conclusion and kind of the message that I took from the movie.

On purpose I didn't mention the title of the movie, because I didn't want this to be entirely about the movie itself, rather than the idea of a mathematical reasoning behind love. I quite like the idea of people looking for a answer and explanation for what we do and feel when we like somebody. We'll see...maybe someday someone will actually find a answer written down on paper.

What do you think?

Lots of love,
Lena ♥

What do I do all the time?

People ask me what I do these days, since I am not studying yet and also don´t have a job. So they get really curious what I do all day long. Well I tell them that I have to prepare for all the tests in order to get into one of the universities. And that is true, of course. I really do have to take my time to study for these tests. I mean, I really need to get into uni in the next semester, so this really is number one at the moment.
But that doesn't mean that that´s the only thing I do. I mean, I don´t really go out, because I haven´t met anybody here yet, so there is no one to go out with. So most the time I am in my apartment, even though not always, of course. But what do I do when I am in here? Well, I gotta catch up on Grey´s Anatomy, and besides that I also watch 2 other series now. They are sooooo good. I put my heart and soul into them. At night I always like to watch a movie. I have seen some really good ones the last days, it´s amazing. I have a long list of films that I still want to see, so that´s good to do in this time as well.
This time also gives me the chance to go behind my favorite hobby of all times, celebrities! I won´t talk so much about that now, but basically I am obsessed with famous people and their lives.
I also have time to play the guitar more often now, read some good books and I started to puzzle again! Isn´t that great?:) People who know me well, know that I love challenging and big puzzles. But I couldn´t spend time doing them the last few years, so I am really happy that I can do that now again. And I can draw and sketch, and listen to audio books, and I can listen to new music styles, and I can dance more again.
And when I do go out, I go up the mountain that´s in the middle of my city, I go out biking with no specific place to go to, I go for a run from time to time, I take my book and go sit on a bench in the middle of the city to read. And don´t get bothered by all those people walking by...
Honestly, even when people think that there is nothing to do only because I don´t go to university yet, there is always a lot to do, specially stuff that makes you happy. All those things I just talked about, are only things that make me happy. I would never investigate my own time in things that I don´t do for my own good. So for once, understand that it is okay to do what I am doing, and maybe understand that I am happier again. So you can be happy for me as well.

Lena ♥

I deserve it...

There is so much going on in my mind, it is almost ironic that I feel like I don´t have anything to talk about...maybe my inner self just doesn´t feel like sharing certain things with the world. But there is one thing that I can share...I am confused. In so many ways. I don´t know what to feel towards so many people anymore. I think I care too much too quickly about others, without thinking about the fact that they probably don´t feel the same way. And at the end there is just one person that gets hurts by all that...me. It is always me. I feel like a few things just don´t happen to others. They happen to me. Is it unfair? Probably not..I probably deserve it. For some unknown reason, I probably deserve it.

Sorry if I ruined your day with this depressing blog today...
Bye,
Lena

What I really want (Version 2)

There is this guy...I have actually already talked about him a few times here in my blog. (It will actually be hard to relate this to an older post of mine, since I´ve talked about more than a few guys...hehehe sorry) There is only one little detail that I would have to mention, and you already could (if you wanted to) figure out about which guy this is about. But I really don´t want that. So...just see it as another story, and please don't try putting 2 and 2 together.

ANYWAYS...I just talked about this guy with my best friend the last couple of days and she is suggesting me to give up on him. She truly believes that he is no good for me, that I am basically the one giving so much more than him, and not getting anything in return (not that that would matter to me, but in her eyes, it's not healthy on long term) That was just one of many reasons I should give him up. I honestly am 100% on her side, I mean, she is completely right...
But there is one thing when you develop strong feelings for another person...you just don´t want to let go so easily. You want to fight for it, you will try so hard to make it work. And you will try so hard to make no mistake, so that this person will start looking at you the way you deserve it.
But the problem is...you can't force anybody to feel something so strong as `love´. You could be the best and most perfect person ever...if this other person doesn't feel the same way, there is no way around it.
I have put so much effort, and mostly hope into this, and he probably never even realized it. Slowly he is destroying me, and I am letting him. It's like giving a total stranger a knife and watching them slowly putting the knife to your chest and slowly stabbing you. But still you will smile at that stranger, truly believing with all your heart that he will pull out the knife at some point and fix his damage. You are basically letting this person kill you, while you offer him everything you have.

Maybe you notice that I actually already realized all that...I know how this is not turning out right, I know that I should let him go and try to find someone who is better for me, who will see something in me nobody else can see...but that is just not that easy. And yes, even though I know all those things about him, I won't let go just yet. If I ever will, it will be over time, not just from one moment to the other. And it will be hard.

So...to answer you question --> What do you really want?
My answer is --> to make it work with this guy, because despite everything, I still care deeply for him, and I will never stop to have feelings for him.

Lena

What I really want...

We all have dreams, we all have goals that we wish to reach someday - maybe a dream job, a big house, a family...those are some common answers people say when asked. That´s what I answer too. But that is not what I really want in life. And the truth is that I have already have had what I really what. But I lost it.

Everything in life comes and goes. Nothing stays the way it is for a long time, everything is temporary. That is why we have to appreciate what we have. We hear that all the time, but that is really true. And once it is gone, we feel lost, sad and wish we could turn back time and go back to that time again.
Well...my problem is not only that I wish I could turn back time, but also that I didn't appreciate it while it was here. I am not talking about an specific object, person or anything like that. I am talking about the certain lifestyle I had a few years back. Everything was perfect about it but I didn't see that back then. I didn't see how lucky I was to have that life, and certainly didn't appreciate it the way I should have. I didn't even thank the one person who gave me and my family the change to live that life - my father. I don't think I ever thanked him. He only got to wittness how I sad I was after is was over. That honestly breaks my heart. I never talked with me about my happiness at that time, but he had to see how it broke me, once it was gone. But that would be an other topic, which I don't what to talk about now.

I don't know if you can quite follow me, but I also don't want to get to specific about it. Let's just say, that we (my family and me) had a quite extraordinary life for a few years. Of course, like everything in life, there we good and also bad aspect about it. But when I think about it, all I want to do is to go back to it - to everthing there was about it. The people, their language, the music they listen to, the way they looked at things in life, the way they were so open to meeting new people, their kindness...the list could go on forever. Just in general...their beautiful country. I miss it a lot.

So when I am asked what I want in life, I might say I want to work at my dream job, have a big house, and a family. But what I really think about, is that I want to get a second change to live where I lived a few years back. A piece of my heart stayed there, and I don't ever plan to take it back...it can and should stay right there, waiting for me to come someday.

Kisses to you, and never stop going after your dreams!
Lena ♥

He is back!

I have had one real realtionship. That one guy was the one who changed it all. I have had some crushes before I met him, but with none of them I have felt the way I felt while being with him. Also everything that happend with other guys afterwards was not that serious and didn´t really mean anything to me. He was and actually still is very special to me. I care dearly about him and all I want is him to be happy. (Gosh, that sounds sooo cheesy haha) Anyways, I don´t really want to get into the realtionship itself that much, but I will say that we broke up because I moved away. Even though we weren´t an item anymore, we still kept talking for several months, until he met another girl. Soon she was his new girlfriend and (naturally) she didn´t want him talking to me anymore. So yeah, over time I lost bits of him, and the memories I had of him. I actually had a hard time getting over him, but I figured deleting and unfollowing him on every social media possible, would help me. Of course...it didn´t. Because like every girl, I still went on his page from time to time, to see if he uploaded a new picture and stuff like that.
A couple of months ago I started noticing that he stopped uploading anything and suddenly, he started to like my pictures again, once I uploaded one. After checking his page again, I saw that he had deleted all his picutres! Not only the ones with her, but all of them. I figured that he broke up with her and wanted a complete new start.
He has actually not said anything to me yet, but I feel like through liking my stuff, it might be his first innocent move to reach out to me again. I just don´t know how to feel about that. I am obviously not going to reach out to him, since I "got over him" and deleted all his social media sites..so it would be stupid of me to be the one talking to him again, only because I assume that he broke up with his girlfriend. If anything...he should be the one saying something.
The weird thing is, why is he reaching out to me again in the first place? Am I his comeback whenever he doesn´t have a girlfriend? Does he think that I am just going to be here for him whenever he feels like it? Or did he actually also never really get over me?

I have no idea what any of this means, the only thing I am certain of and can´t deny is that now he is more on my mind again. I guess he has (still) some kind of power over my emotions...:(

Until I know more,
Bye bye, and kisses to you,
Lena ♥