Youtube

A few years ago I uploaded youtube videos, 2 youtube videos, to be exact. I didn´t talk about any specific topics, I didn´t know how to edit, well I actually never even tried to edit them, and they had bad quality. I just uploaded them exactly the way I had recorded them, with all the errors and little fails in them. I wanted to start a channel like the ones I have seen and liked so much. 

But I actually realized quickly that I couldn´t really do it. But never the less, I left those 2 videos on Youtube, and didn´t really think about them anymore. 

There have been two "insidents" where my friends found my videos. The first time it was my real friends, and they said that they thought it was a good idea to make videos and that maybe I could really be a youtuber, if I would consider putting a little more effort into them. But I still didn´t do anything about my channel. 

The second time it was not real friends. I just moved to that new place, and I guess those kids just decided to look up my name and found the videos. When one of the girls told me about it, I was so embaressed! The first thing I did was to imedialty delete my videos. 

...the dream of having a youtube channel never went away. So today I didn´t really have anything to do, so I filmed a video. Later, I downloaded an editing programm and stared editing the video, putting background music to it..you know, making it look nice. Without hesitation I uploaded it to Youtube. I know it isn´t such a greeeat video, it still doens´t have just good quality, but that doesn´t matter to me now. I did my best, at least for a starter. I have another idea for a new video already, and this time around I really want to make it work with this channel!

Anyways...here is (for the second time) my first Youtube Video! You can watch it and feel free to like and comment somthing! It really would mean a lot to me. You can click here to go directly to Youtube, or you can just watch the video here on my blog! 

Enjoy! :)

Not suicidal anymore

I have just realized that I have not been suicidal since I´ve graduated highschool...this is literally the proof that school makes you depressed in so many ways and on so many levels.
Now..very important. Don´t get me wrong...I never tried to kill myself. But I have heard and read that when you think about it alot and think about your death and how others would react to it, that you basically are just as suicidal as if you would actually try to kill yourself. So I guess officially speaking, yes, I was suicidal.
But I don´t like to use that term..it´s such an ugly and strong word. At some point I thought that thinking about death is something normal, why wouldn´t you think about it every time you are sad, feeling that you are worth less than others, not as smart as others, can´t reach the goal you´ve set yourself, and the list goes on. The thing is, it is apparently not normal. Normally, that is at least what the world tells you, you get over those "small problems" in a few days or weeks and then everything goes on the way it was before. You don´t think about death. At least not when you are normal. I hate the term normal. What does that even mean, to be normal? Everybody is different in some way than the others, which basically would mean that nobody is normal. So speaking from a perspetive from the society we live in, I am not normal - for thinking about how I would or could die in certain situations. At some point I thought about it on a daily basis, i thought about it many time a day. And yes, it was mostly in school, or when I had to do something for school.
School is a place where the students are suppost to feel save, and get an education, which will help them become the person they want to be someday, to achive their dreams. But school is not like that anymore. Kids all over the world get scared only of the thought of school. Why is that? It is not suppost to be like that!
I realized only before starting writing this blog that I haven´t had suicidal thoughts since the moment I graduated highschool. This is good and bad at the same time. Good for my personal and individual life. Because I feel ok now. But it would be selfish to say that only because I am fine, that everything and everyone else is also fine. It makes me scared to think about all the kids who are also living with those thoughts, while going to school everyday.
The thought of many kids feeling the way I felt for the last two years, makes me sick and feel so sorry for them. Nobody deserves to feel that way. School needs to change. It should not be an environment where youngsters develope such kind of stress and depression that leads to the point of thinking about ending their own lives.
Being the daughter of two teachers, I see that it is also hard for them. Many teachers really try their best for their students and want to make the best out of their classes, and make the kids feel like their are in a safe place, where they can speak about their thoughts and feelings with freedom and without fear. But their are also always those teachers that truly bring the students down. They really want them to fail, for whatever crazy reason. And sometimes it is hard to differeniate the "good" from the "bad" teachers.
School is a hard part of young peoples´ lives, which is already difficult enough, it at least should be, speficially mentally, a save and healthy place for them. We all know it, this blog could go on forever about this topic. There is never going to be said enough about the safety of children outside their homes, specially school. But let´s end it where it started, shall we?

Now...don´t worry about me. I didn´t mean to scare you, whoever is reading this. I really am ok. I honestly haven´t have those thoughts since graduation. - That is actually not even that long ago, only a month and a half back, but I think they also won´t come back anymore ;)

Kisses to you and stay always save,
Lena ♥♥

Just writing...

Today I don´t have a topic to write about, I don´t know what I am about to write, there is nothing on my mind that I want to specifically talk about. I am just in the mood to write...that literally just it. So yeah..thanks for reading my blog today, I really appreciate it, and at the same time I am sorry for wasting your time.

Do you ever feel happy, sad, empty, blessed and all of that the same time? I kind of feel like that right now, and I can´t really tell why. I am not sure if there is any explenation for that.
I am just sitting here, listenting to some Shawn Mendes, enjoying his angelic voice, and with nothing and at the same time, everything on my mind. I honestly feel like he speaks to me through his songs. I am sure that there are many people, specially girls, who feel the same way. But still...that feeling makes me feel special.

Thinking about that guy, who hasn´t been in your life for a long time, hurts a lot if he was a guy who made you feel so much at the same time, and who showed and teached so much about life, in his very own way. Yeah...that hurts a lot.
People tend to say "You´ll get over him, there is going to come another guy into your life, someone who is way better for you, someone who will make you feel that way again, maybe even better." But what if that is not true? What if that other guy is never going to come? You even try to reach out for new possibilities, but still...nothing and no one is replacement for that one guy in the past. So yeah...that really does hurt. Nobody teaches you how to overcome those feelings. Probably because nobody knows how it should be possible to overcome it. There is no way, you just never will completly get over it. You might be alright someday again, but you will never be as great as if you would have never met him in the first place.

Shawn Mendes has just such a good voice...next year I am going to go to one of his concerts. I already bought the tickets and I am so happy about it. I can´t wait to hear his beautiful voice in real life. And the lyrics really do speak to me..it is amazing.

Have you seen movies like A walk to remember or The longest ride? They are completely different, but they have one thing in common - the beautiful and emotional love story. Even though the caracteres also have problems, which make their realtionships hard sometimes, they find their way back to each other, because that is what true love does...it finds the way back to the ones who need it from each other. People say that that kind of love is not true and only exists in movies, and yes..I also have seen so perfect love only in movies, but I still believe in it. I just have to. I have to believe that that kind of love is out there, and that someday it might find me. Or me and my loved one to be might find each other on half way. If I don´t believe in that, than no thought of love is going to be left for me.

I am probably already boring you..I am surprised that you read all of that, and are still reading this here, at the very end. So again, thank you very much for reading today slightly different blog. I hope you still enjoyed it.

Kisses to you,
Lena ♥

...and the story goes on

So in yesterday´s blog I just described quickly how I suddenly realized that all that perfect picture planted in my head would never work out like that. Well...that actually didn´t happen so suddenly at all.
I left out a big part of the story. The part were I started talking to him. Now don´t get me wrong! I did not say one thing yesterday and today another. I started talking to him, but I really have never met him.
At one point I decided that I would send him a message online, to see how conversation would work out, if he knew who he was talking to, etc. So it actually started out as a very normal conversation and I thought that he clearly knew about me. But still, at one point I asked him if he knew that I know his father. He didn´t answer just with `Yes´ or `No´ but instead he said that Yeah, his father might have mentioned something to him about me. That made me happy, even though I still was sure that I knew more about him that he knew about me.

I was the happiest person every time I saw that he answered my messages and that our conversation would keep going. But there was one thing, which was that our conversation actually didn´t go so fluently. I really wanted this to happen and under no circumstances I wanted us to stop talking. But the truth is that the chat seemed forced - from both sides.
That was when I realized that our story would never be as perfect as I have imagend. Even if we ever would meet and maybe even have a relationship, it wouldn´t go so smoothly as thought.

Even though me talking to him might have destroyed the perfect dream about him, I am happy that I did. In this way I realize that he is not as perfect as his father says, and he might actually not be the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. (Even though deep down, I still hope for that to happen)
But first, I have to meet him in person - I am really excited for that to happen someday...IF it happens someday.

Now I gave you more detail about the perfect boy. But...there is still more to it. If you want to know, let me know. Or should I stop talking about him and change topic again? Haha, let me know!

Kisses,
Lena

There´s this guy...

So I have never talked or written about this before, but I will now. I want to start off by simply saying that I just want this to be written down somewhere, without knowing how understandable it is going to be, or if it makes any sense...

There´s this guy and I have known him for many years now, but actually I have never even met him. The thing is, I know him only by what his father has told me about him. That´s how I know him...because his father tells me things about him. He tells me all the good things his son does, how nice he is, what a good boy he is, and what a good man he once will become. So it can be said, that the father of this boy gives me a nice, if not even a perfect picture of his son, which has been in my head for many years now. This has started 4 or 5 years ago, and goes on every time I get to see this man.

You might ask yourself why and how I meet this man, and why he talkes to me about his son. Well, the thing is that he and my mother have been close friends since they were young, so I also see him from time to time.
So this doesn´t really answer the question why he talkes about his son when I am around..and well, I can´t really answer that question, because I also don´t know the reason. But I got to say, that I actually enjoy those conversations a lot, to be honest.

Back to what I was saying earlier...so this man has given me over the years a perfect picture of his son, and I have to say that I have been falling in love with the idea of that perfect boy. All the qualities that his father has told me about, are the only ones I see, since I never got the chance to learn anything else from him.
At one point, the father said that I should marry his son. Weirdly, that idea didn´t seem silly or stupid to me. Even I had not met the boy in person, not even until this day, but I have fallen so much in love with this perfect picture of him, and already having the "acceptance" of his father us marrying, that I was certain and completly sure that we were actually going to get married someday. We were going to meet, like each other in a short amount of time, fall in love, and marry. Just like that, just like his father has told me.

I don´t know if you realized, but shortly I already mentioned, that I have still not met the boy until this day. He is still just a picture in my head, he is still perfect for me and he is still somebody that I am sure I could fall in love quickly.
But I have also realized, that he doesn´t know any of this. I am pretty sure, that his father has not talked with him about me. Only with me about him. (...if that even makes sense) But that means that all this is really only in my head, in my imagination this perfect boy is going to be the one who I will spend the rest of my days with, who is going to be my husband.
But how should this ever work out, if he doesn´t know anything about it? If we are ever going to meet, maybe he doesn´t even know who I am. He will not know that his father has told me so much about him. He will not know that I am "supposed to marry him", that I am the "perfect girl for him, such as he is the perfect boy for me". For him, I would be just like any other girl that he meets for the first time. - This thought actually hurts so much to accept. I know that all this makes not a lot of sense to many people, but just imagen living with a thought for some years, thinking that in the future something special is going to happen and being completly sure about it, and then you realize that it actually probaly never will happen...so yeah, it hurts.

If you have read until now, I guess that you might have some questions. They all probably start with Why...? And I know, it is weird and odd to understand. But well..as said, I just wanted to get this off of my chest...

If you do have any questions, you can leave them in the comments.

Kisses to you and thank you for reading,
Lena ♥

...♥

Du gehst von hier nach da, es geht zwischen dir und mir hin und her. Bleib doch bei mir, denn ich bin ich da. Wir sind beide hier, gefangen zwischen Gedanken und dem, was wir sind. Ich bin in deinen, und du in meinen Armen. Du schläfst so friedlich, doch ich bin noch hellwach. Du bist am träumen, und ich am warten. Ich warte darauf, dass die Tage wieder so werden, wie sie früher waren. Bis wir wieder die Farben sehen können, und bis der Regen wieder einen Bogen macht - einen Regenbogen.
Wir fangen an, doch du hörst wieder auf. Einmal sind wir am gehen, dann bleibst du wieder stehen. Das Licht ist an, und du drehst es wieder ab.
...Du schläfst so friedlich und ich bin hellwach. Du träumst, und ich warte darauf, dass die Tage wieder so werden, wie sie früher waren. Ich will, dass wir wieder die Farben sehen. Die Farben, die ein Regen und ein Bogen erzeugen können - einen Regenbogen.



Umgeschriebener Liedtext! Kann jemand erraten, um welches Lied es sich hier handelt?

On my own

Hi!
How have you been?
I, myself have been doing great.
After school and graduation I moved away from my parents´ house, and now I am living by myself. Well...not completely by myself, I have two roommates. But yeah..it´s my own place, so that´s pretty awesome.
I still have some time until I will start to go to university or do somthing similar to that, so for now I have time to see what I want to do and how I will accomplish that. I really do enjoy this free time, where I don´t have to follow some fixed plans, but have time for my own. I wouldn´t say that I don´t any responsabilities now that I am living by myself. That´s not what I meant at all. But I really like this time. It´s perfect to get to know not only other people, but mainly yourself.
I will try to write more often now!

Kisses,
Lena ♥

It´s almost over!

Hi everybody!
Great news! I´m almost done with highschool. In fact, I am graduating in already 13 days, to be exact. A whole new life is going to start and I am full with mixed emotions because of that. I am going to live far away from everything that is familiar to me. It seems exciting and scary at the same time...let's see how this will work out.
How are you guys been? Let me know!


XOXO
Lena ♥

I am back!

Hello my sweet blog family!

It has been a while since I have posted. And as you know, my last blog was about all those school exams starting soon, etc. So I haven´t been so active because I had to study and take all those exams. Anyway, now they are over, and I have more time to be active again. By the way, I actually think that in most of the exams it went really good, so I am really happy about that. :D

How have you been? I really want to know, so feel free to write it in the comments!

Kisses,
Lena ♥♥

Almost school time!

In one week school starts again. Yes, I'm a senior and yes, I should have used the vacations to study for the big finals...did I do it? No.
For starters, these three first weeks from vacations passed way to fast :(
But well...
Anyways, I probably even would have studied and have done things for school, but since I was not home for the majority of time, I didn't...
My sister is here to visit us, and we were at the beach. I think it is clear when I say that I didn't take any of my school stuff to the beach...right?
Now we are back home again, and as said, in one week school starts again. I will honestly try to use time to already prepare some things for school, but my sister is still here, and that makes this way harder. She is as good as never here, so I want to spend a lot of time with her, obviously.
Well...we'll see how it goes. I'll tell you about it.

Kisses,
Lena ♥

What will happen?

Two days ago there was a mass shooting in Orlando. A man walked into a gay bar and shot around him, and killed 50 people and injured 53 . I guess that everybody knows that already, because the whole world is talking about it. But I think that it really such a big problem that hasn´t been solved yet, and will still take a very lonk time to solve. People who "suffer" under homophobia don't are affraid. They are not scared. They a simply assholes. How come that someone has so much hate against people, who are no different that anybody else, and hurt them and their families in such a way?
This horrible event showed us that this world is still far from living in peace and equality. We can only hope that noting like this will happen again, but let's be real...we all know that their are many other people out there that have horrible ideas and thoughts on mind...so we are never save, we never know when the next tradedy will happen.

Please, spread love and prevend hate as much as you can. This world needs it more than we can imagen.

Lots of love for all of you,
Lena ♥

I feel weird :(

A few years ago (3 years, to be exact) I had a relationship with this guy. We were kind of a on-and-off-couple and when I moved away to another country it was basically over for good. Even though we kept on talking cute for almost half a year, we knew that this relationship can´t go on for a long time. The thing is that since beginning of this year he is dating again, while I am just being me - doing crazy stuff. (read my other posts, if you don´t know what I am talking about) So I was sad that he has moved on, but that the same time I was living my own life, without really thinking about him, or feeling like writing a message to him or anything of that kind of thing.

But since a few days I think about him ALL THE TIME! I am not even kidding with that expression. He is really all the time on my mind, without a pause. Not matter what I do - play tenis, being in school, read a book, watch vídeos...I could be doing anything and he won´t leave my mind.
Sometimes I feel like writing him something, but then I don´t do it, because I know that that is not the right thing to do. But I honestly don´t know that to do:( It is not possibly that I start missing him again, after so much time has past...is it?

I am really confused...any advice, or help tips?

Love, Lena

Happy!

Th last two weeks I had a lot of exams and so I was stressed all the time. I had no time for myself, because I literally  had to study all the time. These exams where day after day, without any "spare days" in between. So I guess you kind of can imagine how that time was for me.
But NOW those exams are over and I honestly feel so free at the moment. I know that finals are also going to be so hard, or probably even worse, but at the moment I just feel great. I haven't got the results back yet, but I think that I did good on most of them - let's hope for the best!
How are you doing? Everything fine?

Love, Lena

I messed up!

Yesterday I went to a party of a friend of mine. The party was in his house, so his little brother was also there. But the thing is that I have a problem with his little brother, who is only a few months younger that me. (let's call him John) What happened is that on another party last year he was kind of like a total asshole with me. Basically, he wanted to get into my pants, but I didn't let him, because I'm not some kind of whore who would do stuff like that with a guy I just met. So since then every time I see him in school he walks or looks away quickly, which is totally childish, btw.
So yesterday not a lot of people were invited. It was more like a little come together that a party. So there wasn't really that big chance of him ignoring me.
I didn't really pay attention to him, since we're not really having the best relationship. But as it got later, people just got a little crazy. Nobody was completely drunk, but everybody has had a few drinks. So you can imagine how the ambiente was. At some point John started talking to me, always with his hand on my back or my leg. Honestly I didn't care about his behavior towards me. To be completely honest, I even enjoyed knowing that he still was interested in me. After a while he asked me if we should go to his room. My sober self came back and said instantly no! Other that not wanting to be in the same situation as last year, he has actually told people back then that we slept together. So I had enough reason to just walk away from this dough bag. I don't know why, but I kept talking to him, until he convinced me to go to his room. (Biggest mistake of the night) He promised me, that we would only do whatever I wanted, nothing else. But once in his room he started undressing me and laying me down on his bed. Everything else from this point on, I leave it up to your imagination.
As you probably can imagine, after coming back to the party again, he totally ignored me, and didn't talk to me at all anymore. So I'd say that he got what he wanted, and so him "mission was completed."

Now I can't say that I am totally regretting this, that I am the saddest human being on earth right now. But it wasn't a good choice, and I was able to prevent what happened. He is a total idiot, who doesn't care about me or about how I feel. In other words, he is a fuckboy.
The only thing I can do is to tell myself no to do stupid stuff like that anymore. Let's see if my drunk self will observe that rule ;)

Lots of love and stay save,
Lena ♥

Partytime!

Last friday I went to a party and I was very excited to go. Mainly because I agreed with a boy that we would meet there. But he canceled on last minute and I was a little bit disapointed in him. But that didn't keep me from going to that party. I was happy that I could spend some time with my friends and just have some fun with them.
Later that night a guy came to the party, who graduated last year. I always saw him at school, and like most girls, I had a crush on him. But the thing was, that last year he still had a girlfriend. Every girl that liked him still looked at him with eyes in shape of hearts when he passed by. But I always played it cool, since I wouldn't be that kind of girl.
But since beginning of this year he is single. I actually think that most of the people don't even know that, but trough my circle of friends, I got to that information. I obviously am not stupid to tell everybody, but I prefer to keep that info to myself.
Anyways, he came to the party and I felt like talking to him. So I walked up to him and started a conversation, - He was such a nice guy and at some point he asked my if I wanted to go away from the crowd. From this point on I leave it up to your imagination about what happened. But I'd just say that it turned out to be a better party that expected.

If you want to know what happened, leave a comment below. Maybe I keep telling you guys about it;)

Love,
Lena

School is killing me!

I am in my senior year of high school, and it´s just so hard! I already have a few exames behind me, in this and the next week I have 5 exames, then I have a few weeks a "work break" before it starts all over again.
I´m actually very good in all of the subjects, but one - maths...It is so hard for me to follow the teacher because he doesn´t explain very good. But the thing is that others seem to understand what he is teaching is. That´s why I get so frustrated...am I really the only one who is not getting what is happening in the maths classes?!
As I said, in the other subject I don´t have difficulties, but the problem is that all the teacher give so many homework, that I basically don´t have time to do anything else. Freetime, where? I can´t find it.

I am really stressed, which affects me phisically...I barely have control over my feelings. Very often I have "cry attacks" and I just can´t stop.
Over all I still don´t know what I want to do when I´m done with school, so the pressure to find something that will suit me is also on top of me...

HELP,
Lena

I have a problem...

Some days ago I looked up the syndroms of  being biploar. I don´t even know why I wanted to know more about that desease, but I did. So I looked at various pages and read what they had to say about bipolar people, and how they felt, acted and so on. Reading so much about it, I realised that I might be bipolar myself.
The thing was, that I didn´t know that feeling tired all the time, and not feeling energetic at all,  not being able to concentrate were part of the syndroms of being bipolar. So I got slightly scared and took a few test on being bipolar. They all hat different results, but most of them had about 70 of 80 percent of chance me being bipolar.
I am not really scared, or I don´t really feel different, or think differently about me. But I´d just like to know if there can be taken any medication for it, or if there is anything I can do about it.

I would really appreciate your answers, opinions...

Thanks for stopping by,
Lena

STORYTIME! - Is there a ghost in my house?

Some time ago I was home alone at night and was watching TV. For some reason I always felt like somebody was watching me, observing me how I was eating, watching my favorite progam, and so on. After a while I turned off the TV and went to take a shower.
From the moment on where I turned on the water, I heard noises outside the bathroom. Everytime I turned off the water to listen if someone was here, the noises stopped. So I continued to shower the noises started again. Over and over again the same thing. I told myself that nothing could possibly be outside my bathroom. I tried to forget the strage noises and finshed quickly my shower. I put some music on and dryed myself off. All of a sudden the weird noises started again. (btw. they sounded like someone was looking for something, letting things fall to the ground, something like that)
The moment I opened the door to my room the noises stopped and everything was quiet again. I was terryfied and releaved at the same time. At least no serial killer was standing in front of me!

Some days later I told a friend of mine about that strange incident. Immediately she said that probably a ghost lives in my house. She got very excited, because she believes that she can talk to ghost and even owns a Quija Board. If you don´t know what it is, look it up, it is really interesting! But basically it is a board with a lot of letters and the words NO and YES and GOODBYE on it. And if you move the wooden part over the letters, the ghosts may respond, somehow. Anyways, the next day she showed up at my house with her Quija board in her hands. She insisted that we called the ghost that are living in my house.

So we "talked" to ghosts trough the Quija board, and after a while somebody really responded! Well, don´t think that we actually heards voices! Somebody, or something stardet to control our hands and movements on the board. We freaked out, since we weren´t moving it around, but the wood started to move from one letter to the next. We asked some questions and the ghost answered. As last question we asked what the ghost´s name was, and the answer was Jackson.
So apperanly a ghost name Jackson lives in my house with me.
Sometimes I still here noises coming from another room, or suddenly the radio turns off, but I don´t get scared. Every time that happens I sigh and say out loud "Oh Jackson..."

Have you ever expirienced something like that? Let me know about it in the commets!

Kisses,
Lena  

Sad Baby!

Today my mother left to travel to New York for a few days and that is just the worst for my little sister! Since my mom left, my little sister is constantly sad. So my dad and I tried to distract her with different things, like reading books to her, watching a little bit of TV, eating dinner, etc., which worked really good. But now it is bedtime and it is really hard to bring her to sleep, since she always went to bed with our mom. For over an hour we have been trying to lay her down...let's see how long it is still going to take.

Kisses,
Lena